| "Winterize your
lawn," the big sign outside the garden store commanded.
I’ve fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it, and
watched a lot of it die away. Now I’m supposed to winterize it? I hope
it’s too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we’ve come
up with outside of thong swimsuits!
We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s
lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we
can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with
St. Francis about this"
"Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of
soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honeybees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see
are these green rectangles.
"It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord.
The Suburbanites. The started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to
great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."
"Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not
colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and
sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites
really want all that grass growing there?"
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow
it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
"The Spring rains and cool weather probably
make grass grow really fast. That must make the suburbanites happy."
"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week."
"They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?"
"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and
put it in bags."
"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they
sell it?"
"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw
it away."
"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to
throw it away?"
"Yes, sir."
"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the
summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely
slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.."
"Your aren’t going to believe this Lord. When
the grass stops growing so fast, the drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees
grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In
the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep
moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot,
the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of
life."
"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites
have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into
piles and have them hauled away."
"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
"After throwing away your leaves, they go out
and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around
in place of the leaves."
"And where do they get this mulch?"
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
"Enough! I don’t want to think about this
anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie do
you have scheduled for us tonight?"
"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid
movie about..."
"Never mind, I think I just heard the whole
story."
SOURCE UNKNOWN - I found this folded up in a book, Stewards
of the Land, when I returned from a Xeriscape lecture I gave in
Chicago in November 1999.
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